As Albert Einstein once said “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results“.
Clearly, then, I am insane.
Why? Because for the FIFTH straight year I once again auditioned for a freelance job submitting jokes to Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update.
And for the FIFTH straight year I was rejected.
E=MC2 indeed.
Anyhow, here are the jokes I submitted this year. Judge for yourself.
Tiger Woods and his wife Elin announced this week that they’re expecting their second child.
The good news is Elin and the baby are doing well; the bad news is it only took Tiger three strokes.
John McCain announced Friday that he’s chosen Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his Vice Presidential running mate.
Political experts say this proves he’s still a maverick, still a risk taker and still has 20/20 vision.
Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin announced this week that her 17 year-old daughter Bristol is pregnant.
John McCain says this in no way affects Gov. Palin’s qualifications to be on the ticket – namely her breasts.
Hurricane Gustav hit the Gulf Coast earlier this week.
Experts say it’s the worst disaster to happen on Labor Day that didn’t involve Jerry Lewis.
The developer of a new skyscraper in Dubai claimed this week that it has reached a height of 2,257 feet, which would make it the tallest building in the world.
Nobody’s been able to see the building yet to verify its height, so apparently it’s a grower not a shower.
A jogger in Melbourne, Australia recently went to the hospital after being attacked by a kangaroo.
To be fair to the kangaroo witnesses say the guy did cut him off.
Three more New York women have accused a Hasidic business man of posing as a gynecologist to molest them in a Park Ave doctor’s office.
They all said it was humiliating and degrading and the worst part was the co-payment.
During a concert in England this weekend, Madonna showed a video featuring images of destruction, global warming, Hitler, Zimbabwe’s President Robert Mugabe as well as John McCain.
People at the concert say they were horrified and sickened by what they saw – and they also said the video was scary too.
This year’s Farm Aid concert will be broadcast live in High Definition.
Or, in Willie Nelson’s case, Very High Definition.
According to a new study the most affluent city in America is Plano, Texas.
As a result, from now on, it will be known as Not-So-Plano.
A large-breasted woman in California missed her flight when she refused to allow security agents to pat down her underwire bra.
The woman accused the TSA screeners of being extremely rude and of not even offering her dinner and drinks first.
P. Diddy says that because of the high cost of gas he’s switching from private jets to flying commercial.
He says he hasn’t gone down in rear-end space and comfort like this since he broke up with J. Lo.
For the new season, the producers of American Idol have added a fourth judge, singer-songwriter Kara DioGuardi, to the panel.
This will be the first time in the history of the show they have four judges – and a real singer.
Country singer and “Smokey and the Bandit” co-star Jerry Reed passed away this week at the age of 71 from emphysema.
His is the third face from “Smokey and the Bandit” face that’s no longer with us, after Jackie Gleason and Burt Reynolds.
David Freeman, the author of “100 Things to Do Before You Die” passed away this week at the age of 47.
The good news is he’s now working on a sequel: “100 Things to Do After You Die.”
That’s it. I’m not submitting again next year. No way. No how. Absolutely not. I’m done. I swear.
Ahh, who am I kidding? I’m a glutton for punishment. Sign me up again.
-Chum [link]
