MONDAY: It was brutally hot and humid today.

It was so hot today that President Bush agreed to negotiations with Al Roker.

MONDAY: It was brutally hot and humid today.

It was so hot today that President Bush called for sanctions against Al Roker.

MONDAY: It was brutally hot and humid today.

It was so humid today that instead of antiperspirant I put on Thompson’s Water Seal.

MONDAY: It was brutally hot and humid today.

It was so humid today that on my way to work I had to stop three times to wring out my hairpiece.

MONDAY: It was brutally hot and humid today.

It was so humid today I was glad to be wearing a diaper.

MONDAY: The new Batman movie opened this weekend.

You know Batman? He’s this eccentric rich guy who likes to spend time in his cave wearing tights monitoring the police band – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s me.

MONDAY: The new Batman movie opened this weekend.

Heath Ledger has the scariest makeup job I’ve seen this side of Cher.

MONDAY: They’re saying that Heath Ledger may win an Oscar for playing the Joker in the new Batman movie.

Apparently it’s the best performance by a dead guy other than Larry King.

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Senator Larry Craig turned 63 yesterday.

I thought this was nice: his wife got him a monogrammed stall.

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Senator Larry Craig turned 63 yesterday.

His family through his a surprise party; they all jumped out of the next stall.

MONDAY: 39 years ago today man first walked on the moon.

12 men total have been on the moon and none since 1972 – just like Joan Rivers.

MONDAY: 25 years ago today scientists recorded the lowest temperature ever.

It was -129F and it was recorded in Larry King’s house just before his fourth divorce

MONDAY: Barack Obama was in Baghdad earlier today

He said he hasn’t felt this in this much danger since his one-on-one meeting with Hillary.

Here in New York City restaurants have started posting calorie counts on their menus.

Not only that but down in Times Square the hookers are now posting the number of calories you’ll burn by hiring them.

The newest trend here in New York: clothing optional establishments.

So now here in New York you can be naked at some restaurants, yoga studios and the subway.

The newest trend here in New York: clothing optional establishments.

I learned the hard way that clothing is still required at Hooters.