As you may know Pope Benedict is in the United States this week and this weekend he’ll be in New York City. So, you know what that means for a late night monologue joke writer – that’s right, papal jokes! It’s been all Pope jokes, all the time for me this week. The good news is all that hard work paid off during last night’s Late Show (4/16/08) when Dave Letterman closed out his monologue with one of my jokes.

This weekend the Pope will be holding a mass at Yankee Stadium.

When he’s done there he’ll go over to Madison Square Garden and administer last rights to the Knicks.

Here’s the audio:

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

It’s probably just as well that my other Pope jokes didn’t make it to air – it’s best to not mess with my afterlife prospects.

Based on her recent campaign ads, Hillary Clinton would have us all believe that if we elect her president she’ll be taking all sorts of calls in the middle of the night to ensure our safety, well being, and financial security.

Sounds good!

But, let’s face it, she’s not the only major presidential candidate left who would likely be getting up at all hours of the night should he or she be elected in November. For example, given his advanced age, it ain’t no stretch to imagine why John McCain would be getting up at 3:00am – and it has nothing to do with the phone. In fact, that was the topic of a joke I wrote for David Letterman that he told on Thursday’s Late Show.

Hillary Clinton has another campaign ad now showing her getting up at 3:00am to take an emergency phone call.

John McCain has his own ad about getting up at 3:00am, except in his ad he gets up to go to the bathroom.

Here’s the audio:

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

It’s funny cause it’s true.

Tags: Hillary Clinton, John McCain, urinate