Some people are saying now that John McCain can’t be president because he wasn’t born in this country.

I think he should be allowed to run; the last thing we need is another unemployed alien.

Mayor Bloomberg announced today that he’s not going to run for president.

He said if he wanted to deal with an unpopular war he might as well just stay here and try to end the fighting at The View.

William F. Buckley died yesterday at the age of 82.

All of the republicans are in mourning. Earlier today Dick Cheney was wearing a sad sneer.

Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch is going to be auctioned off next month because he can’t make the payments on it.

Poor Michael is completely tapped out; he’s already taken out a second mortgage on his nose.

The producers of the Academy Awards have apologized to Whoopie Goldberg for not including her in a montage of Oscar hosts.

No word yet on when they’re going to apologize to everybody else for the rest of the show.

The producers of the Academy Awards have apologized to Whoopie Goldberg for not including her in a montage of Oscar hosts.

Earlier today they also apologized to me for having me in the montage.

Pamela Anderson is getting a divorce from Rick Salomon after two months of marriage.

She says those two months of marriage were a fraud, they were a sham, they weren’t real in any way – no, wait, I’m sorry, she was talking about her breasts.

Pamela Anderson is getting a divorce from Rick Salomon after two months of marriage.

It’s understandable; it’s hard to find a man as stable as Tommy Lee and Kid Rock.

Here in New York City they’ve started building little wooden houses for the squirrels in Central Park.

So far they built and installed homes for 60 squirrels. The rest of the squirrels will still have to commute.