MONDAY: Congratulations to Barack Obama for winning the South Carolina primary on Saturday.
Things are looking pretty good for him; I can already see it now: Vice President Oprah.
MONDAY: After finishing second in the South Carolina primary Hillary Clinton has decided to shake up her campaign staff.
Earlier today she fired the guy who makes her pants suits.
MONDAY: Hillary Clinton was pretty mad about finishing second in the South Carolina primary.
She was so mad that, out of habit, she made her campaign manager sleep on the couch.
TUESDAY: Today was primary day in Florida.
See if you think this is strange: with 90% of all precincts reporting, they’ve projected that the winner of the Republican primary in Florida is – George Bush.
TUESDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Oprah Winfrey turns 54 today.
She celebrated with her friends, which explains why I wasn’t there.
TUESDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Oprah Winfrey turns 54 today.
Just like every year, I sent her a lovely present and, just like every year, it came back unopened.
TUESDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Oprah Winfrey turns 54 today.
Just like every year, I sent her a lovely present and, just like every year, she wrote back a lovely note telling me I was in violation of the restraining order.
The Super Bowl is this Sunday in Arizona and, don’t kid yourself, everything about it is very expensive.
This year it costs $2.7 million for 30 seconds – and that’s just for a hooker.
Earlier tonight/last night President Bush made his last State of the Union address.
You could tell that he was really mailing it in when he gave his Oscar picks.
Earlier tonight/last night President Bush made his last State of the Union address.
You could tell that he was really mailing it in when he gave his review of the new Rambo movie.
Earlier tonight/last night President Bush made his last State of the Union address.
You could tell that he was really mailing it in; all he did was read his bucket list.
Earlier tonight/last night President Bush made his last State of the Union address.
He started off by thanking all of our men and women in uniform fighting for our country – especially Rambo.
The writers strike has even affected the president’s State of the Union address.
Because of the strike President Bush had to write his own monologue.
The Giants are playing in the Super Bowl this Sunday and everybody here in New York has football fever.
Down in Times Square the hookers are offering a Super Bowl special: for $50 you can go for two.
Good news: subway crime here in New York City is way down.
I know it’s true because it’s been months since I’ve been on the subway and said “Don’t shoot – I have a child!”
The other day a guy here in New York City set a new world record by standing in a container of ice for 72 minutes.
So, for 72 minutes I wasn’t the coldest person in New York City.
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