We all know Dave Letterman loves the rat jokes. I’ve submitted a lot of rat jokes to Dave over the years and a couple have actually made it on air. For example, last September Dave told my rat shortage joke. Way back in 2003 Dave told my now legendary commuting rats joke – not once but four times. Well, on Friday’s Late Show (8/3/07) Dave told yet another rat joke that I wrote:

Scientists in Baltimore have engineered the world’s first schizophrenic mice.

Big deal. Here in New York half of our rats are on Prozac.

Click here to hear it live! (format: MP3, size: 195kb)

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

They may be dirty. They may be disease ridden. They may be ugly but those little buggers are officially my muse.

As if that crooked NBA ref wasn’t catching enough heat for fixing games, the Northeastern United States, lately, has been hot. I’m talking like surface-of-the-sun hot … I mean surface-of-the-sun-in-summer hot. Almost – dare I say – Florida hot.

Anyhow, getting back to the crooked ref, here’s how hot it’s been, as written by me and told by Dave Letterman on Thursday’s Late Show (8/2/07):

It was so hot today that crooked NBA ref was fixing hockey games.

Click here to hear it live! (format: MP3, size: 60kb)

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

We need a low pressure zone fast – like pronto – or all of my shirts will have permanent pot belly sweat stains.

Apparently researchers at the University of Texas have way too much free time on their hands because recently they did a study to identify the top 237 reasons that people have sex. I have no idea how this information would be useful to most people – or how there could be more than one or maybe two reasons at most – but I can you tell it’s certainly good fodder for late night talk show monologues. Take, for example, the following joke that I wrote for David Letterman which he told on Wednesday’s Late Show (8/1/07):

There’s a new sex survey that has compiled the top 237 reasons that people have sex.

For me number two would be my credit card went through.

Click here to hear it live! (format: MP3, size: 208kb)

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Ok, maybe I can think of three reasons, but, come on, 237? You people are twisted!