MONDAY: I took my son Harry to see the movie Ratatouille this weekend.

I liked the movie but, honestly, the next time he wants to see a rat working in a restaurant I’ll just take him down to Taco Bell.

MONDAY: Congratulations to Al Gore’s daughter Sarah who got married this weekend.

It was a lovely wedding or, as Al calls it, an inconvenient expense.

MONDAY: Osama bin Laden’s son Omar got married last week.

It was a pretty traditional wedding; his friends even tied cans to the back of the couple’s camel.

MONDAY: The new Harry Potter movie opened this weekend.

Down in Times Square the hookers are offering a Harry Potter special: for $50 they’ll straighten your wand.

FRIDAY: The new Harry Potter book comes out tomorrow.

This is the last Harry Potter book and, to be honest, that’s good because he’s getting a little old. In this book Harry suffers from wand dysfunction.

FRIDAY: The new Harry Potter book comes out tomorrow.

J.K. Rowling says that this will be the last new Harry Potter book because there’s no more money in the world that she doesn’t already have.

FRIDAY: It was 38 years ago today that man first landed on the moon.

38 years since we put a man on the moon and I still can’t find a realistic hairpiece.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Janet Reno turns 69 tomorrow.

Her doctors say she’s in perfect health and has the body of a man younger man.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Janet Reno turns 69 tomorrow.

The good news is her doctors recently gave prostate a clean bill of health.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Janet Reno turns 69 tomorrow.

Is it just me or does the words “Janet Reno” and “69″ make you kind of queasy?

There’s a new Osama bin Laden video out this week.

Experts say they can tell it’s recent because based on the background you can see he’s waiting in line for the new Harry Potter book.

There’s a new Osama bin Laden video out this week.

Experts say they can tell it’s recent because he mentions his son Omar getting married last week and declares a jihad against wedding caterers.

U.N. inspectors confirmed this week that North Korea has officially shut down its nuclear reactor.

President Bush said he was glad to hear it, since it’s one less thing we’ll have to do after the invasion.

U.N. inspectors confirmed this week that North Korea has officially shut down its nuclear reactor.

Here now are the things that North Korea is incapable of producing: nuclear weapons, nuclear power and sliced bread.

Snoop Dogg is getting his own reality show.

He says it’ll be a lot like the The Osbournes, but with more f’sizzle.

Out in California there are claims now that Paris Hilton got special treatment in jail.

I don’t know about Paris but I know that Martha Stewart didn’t get special treatment in jail. Every time I visited her we had to wait in line with everybody else to use the conjugal visit trailer.

The president of CBS News says that he Kati Couric will be the anchor of the CBS Evening News for years to come.

That’s right – she’ll be gone by Labor Day.

There’s a new study out that shows that high school students are having less sex.

Experts attribute the drop to better education, fear of sexually transmitted diseases and teachers playing harder to get.

Lindsay Lohan has officially checked out of rehab.

She’s wearing an alcohol-detecting ankle bracelet. The way it works is, the bracelet automatically alerts her counselor any time she gets within 10 feet of Britney Spears.

Scientists in Ethiopia say they’ve found jaw fragments of an early human that are 3 and a half million years old.

They say it’s the oldest human-like jaw fragment ever found, outside of Joan Rivers’ plastic surgeon’s office.