MONDAY: Paris Hilton reported to jail last night.

Earlier today President Bush declared “Mission Accomplished.”

MONDAY: Paris Hilton reported to jail last night.

She’s keeping herself busy – she’s already made a conjugal visit video.

MONDAY: Paris Hilton will confined to her cell alone for 23 hours a day.

So she’ll have 23 hours a day to think – we don’t know what she’ll be doing with the 22 hours and 45 minutes each day.

MONDAY: Paris Hilton will confined to her cell alone for 23 hours a day.

She said she’s not sure what she’ll be doing for the other four hours a day.

MONDAY: Last night in New Hampshire the Democratic presidential candidates held another debate.

There was no clear cut winner. John Edwards made the best points, but Hillary had the best pants suit.

MONDAY: President Bush is in Europe this week for the G8 summit.

While he’s in Europe he’s instructed his cabinet to keep him updated on any change in the situation on The View.

MONDAY: President Bush is in Europe this week for the G8 summit.

He wants to talk about hot spots in the world: the situation in Iraq, nuclear weapons in Iran, pirates in the Carribbean…

MONDAY: Roger Clemens had to miss his first start with the Yankees today because of a fatigued groin.

That’s strange; I’d think if anybody on the Yankees would have a fatigued groin it’d be A Rod.

MONDAY: Last week Alex Rodriguez was caught cheating on his wife and being unsportsmanlike on the field.

The good news is for once I’m not the most overpaid, laughingstock in New York.

MONDAY: Alex Rodriguez is way overpaid, he’s hated by his coworkers and he thinks he’s god gift to women.

It’s like I have a twin.

MONDAY: Last week here in New York they arrested four guys for attempting to blow up JFK airport.

Experts say if they had pulled it off it would’ve been the biggest explosion in New York City since Elisabeth set off Rosie on The View.

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Angelina Jolie turns 32 today.

Her husband Brad Pitt got her a gift certificate to Ethiopia.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Joan Rivers turns 74 today.

Her friends threw her a big surprise party. What they did was they all hid in her plastic surgeon’s office.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Joan Rivers turns 74 today.

She may be 74 but her face is still under warranty.

FRIDAY: It was a beautiful day here in New York City today.

It was so nice today that Alex Rodriguez was seen taking Al Roker up to his hotel room.

The most expensive parking space in New York City now costs $2,000 a month.

Here’s what you get for $2,000 a month: a parking space on 76th Street big enough for a stretch limo marked by a sign that says “Reserved for Dumbass.”

Bad news: parking rates here in New York City are the highest in the country.

Parking is so expensive that when I go out in Manhattan the parking now costs more than the sex.

Bad news: parking rates here in New York City are the highest in the country.

Parking is Manhattan is really expensive but the good news is the hookers now validate.

A guy in California just set a new world record by eating 59 hot dogs in 12 minutes.

After he did it he got a certificate of his accomplishment and a congratulatory phone call from Elton John.