As any regular watchers of the Late Show know, there are a regular set of New York City-related topics that Dave Letterman seems to enjoy telling monologue jokes about. These include jokes about rats, hookers, cab drivers, squirrels (and their nuts), the Mets, the Knicks, Yankee Stadium hot dogs, crime, etc. Knowing all this I regularly submit jokes to the show about these topics and have, over the last three years, had a number of these jokes make the air. I can now add another old standard topic to my hit list: the priests at St. Patrick’s Cathedral. Dave told the following joke I wrote about them on Wednesday’s show (9/27/06):

It was a beautiful day today in New York City.

It was so nice over at St. Patrick’s I saw a group of priests playing touch football with the altar boys.

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 150kb) or check it out here.

Coincidentally, that one hit on the day that would have been my dad’s 71st birthday. This one’s for you, pop!

By now you all know how much David Letterman loves telling rat jokes. A rat-related joke is one the most basic lures in a Late Show monologue joke writer’s tackle box. When a good rat story comes across the wires it must never be ignored! Long story short, I recently read such a story and turned into a joke that Dave told on Friday’s Late Show (9/15/06).

A scientist in Japan has developed a way for mice to give birth to rats.

Finally, a solution to our rat shortage.

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 189kb) or check it out here.

This is, of course, another good opportunity to harken back to the single most successful joke that I’ve ever written, one that Dave used three times in monologues (and even told to Charlize Theron during an interview). You know it, you love it, yes, it’s the commuting rats joke! It never gets old.

Well, last week was another dry week, so far as joke sales go. Dave Letterman didn’t bite on any of my offerings. As always, though, that just means there are more rejects to choose from for my weekly posting! Boy, how pathetic does that sound? Anyway, read my Late Show rejects below from the week of August 28, 2006 and see if you think Dave made a mistake by coldly turning his back on them.

Thirteen years ago today we did our first show on CBS.

Boy, time sure flies when you’re mailing it in.

Yesterday in Nevada the FBI arrested a guy who has 40 wives.

40 wives – I think the insanity defense is a slam-dunk.

Yesterday in Nevada the FBI arrested a guy who has 40 wives.

He was found with a cell phone, $50,000 in cash and 40 grocery shopping lists.

There’s a new study out that finds obesity is up in 31 states.

More bad news: those 31 states ate the other 19 states.

Congratulations to the team from Columbus, Georgia, who won the Little League World Series last night.

They beat the Red Sox 2-1.

Officials in Colorado say they’re not going to charge John Mark Karr with the murder of JonBenet Ramsey.

Apparently his DNA didn’t match, so the only thing the DA can charge him with now is first degree creepiness.

Last night at the Emmys HBO was first with 9 Emmys, NBC was second with 6 and CBS was fifth with 2 Emmys.

So 6 Emmys for NBC and 2 Emmys for CBS; nice move, Katie.

Former President Gerald Ford underwent a successful angioplasty procedure last week.

The good news is he’s doing well and we finally have proof that a Republican can have a heart.

It 99 years ago today that the Post Office was founded.

And I believe it was 99 years ago tomorrow that the Post Office first raised the price of a stamp.

Yesterday Iran test fired a new long-range missile.

Apparently it was a test of their camel-to-surface missile technology.

The U.S. Open is going on this week here in New York.

Everybody here in New York has tennis fever. Today on my way to work I was mugged and racket-whipped.

There was a fire at Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch last week.

The fire started like most fires do: a chimp was smoking in bed.

Scientists say that the genitals of polar bears in Greenland are shrinking.

They say it’s caused by too many industrial pollutants and too much “Dancing with the Stars.”

Elton John says he wants to start writing hip hop music.

He’s already picked out a hip-name: Gay-z Gay.

Labor Day weekend is coming up, which is the unofficial end of summer.

I can tell summer is over because Mom has put away her margarita blender and taken out her martini shaker.