Hey, what’s up with these oil prices? I mean they’re, like, really, really high. Am I right, people? When you’re at the pump do you feel like those evil oil companies are gouging you? Well, I have good news: they’re not! That’s right. The government has looked into it and has definitively concluded that the oil companies are not gouging customers. And if there’s one thing the government has proven over the last five years it’s that they wouldn’t lie to us. So let’s not hear any more squawking from you Negative Nellies out there!

Needless to say – or type – such a conclusion is perfect joke material. Check out this one I wrote that David Letterman told on Tuesday’s Late Show (5/23/06):

The Federal Trade Commission has ruled that oil companies are not gouging customers.

They said technically they’re “screwing customers.”

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 171kb) or check it out here.

Take THAT, Big Oil!

What’s better than having one joke on the Late Show two nights in a row? How’s about having two jokes on one show? It happens rarely for me, but it happened on Monday’s show (5/15/06). Needless to say, they were both about our favorite president, G. W. Bush.

First up, David Letterman softened up the crowd with this joke:

Last night was the series finale of “The West Wing” and ABC has cancelled “Commander in Chief.”

So now the only fictional president is Bush.

Zing!

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 150kb) or check it out here.

Then he finished the combination up with this one:

Earlier tonight President Bush addressed the United States about immigration.

During the speech he laid out his proposal and then he tried to hold his breath for nine minutes.

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 157kb) or check it out here.

On top of all this, one of my jokes that Dave told last week was “reprinted” in the Sunday New York Times this week (5/14/06) in the Laugh Lines column. I put “reprinted” in quotation marks because apparently the paper of record isn’t too concerned with properly transcribing late night talk show monologue jokes. The joke, as told by Dave, was the following:

Yesterday the House of Representatives passed a $70 billion capital gains tax cut.

It’s all part of President Bush’s No Millionaire Left Behind program.

However, for some reason, the Times reprinted the joke as this:

The House of Representatives just passed a bill, a $70 billion tax cut on capital gains.

This is called the “no millionaire left behind act.”

Uh, they completely left out the reference to George Bush which, of course, is the whole point of the joke. Rest assured I have already filed a complaint with the appropriate authorities.

The number two has always played a special role in my life.
First there were my two parents, who gave my two eyes, two ears, two arms, two legs and two of …several other things. Nowadays everywhere I look it’s two: two kids, two cars, two cats, two dollars to my name. Then there’s all the ways the number two pops up in my favorite things: double cheeseburgers, the Beatles (2×2!), the Steelers winning Super Bowl XL in February (month #2!), etc. Now, behold how the magic number two has once again permeated my life. In the last two days David Letterman has told two of my jokes on the Late Show.

First off, there was this little ditty that Dave told on Wednesday’s show (5/10/06):

It’s one of the worst allergey seasons on record here in New York City.

It’s so bad earlier today Rush Limbaugh admitted he was addicted to Claritin.

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 162kb) or check it out here.

Then, President Bush once again tossed me a big fat one over the middle of the plate which I knocked out of the park on Thursday’s show (5/11/06):

Yesterday the House of Representatives passed a $70 billion capital gains tax cut.

It’s all part of President Bush’s No Millionaire Left Behind program.

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 106kb) or check it out here.

Creepy, ain’t it?

Is everybody still riding a high from last weekend’s Kentucky Derby? Yeah, me neither. But one responsibility of being a topical joke writer is to pay attention to topical news items, ’cause you never know where that next comedic nugget of gold is going to come from. So, behold, I managed to relate the Kentucky Derby to Dave Letterman’s sex life in a joke he told to close out his monologue on Monday night’s Late Show (5/8/06).

For me the Kentucky Derby is a lot like having sex.

It costs me $50 and it’s over in two minutes.

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 108kb) or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.

This is the first time I’ve ever made money on the Derby. I’ll have to actually try watching it next year.

Anybody out there feeling older these days? Do you feel like you’re on the downside of life? Are you getting up more and more each night to make wee-wee? Well, take heart! People are living longer and longer these days. For instance, a woman in El Salvador recently celebrated her 128th birthday. Yes, that’s right – 128! What better way to celebrate being the oldest person in the world then by having your name mentioned on-air by David Letterman? That’s just what happened when Dave told a joke I wrote about her on last Thursday’s Late Show (5/4/06).

A woman in El Salvador recently celebrated her 128th birthday, making her the oldest person in the world.

And fellas – she’s single.

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 151kb) or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.

Aspiring joke writers take note: extreme old age = funny!