Well, if it’s the last day of the month it must be time for my monthly web site update! Let’s get right down to the updatin’.
Earlier this month I “tried out” for a job writing freelance jokes for Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update. The “try out” involved writing fifteen jokes (no more than that or your submission would be ignored!) on recent news stories.
Naturally, I went right to work, burning the midnight oil, the candle at both ends and just about every bridge I’d ever crossed to whip up fifteen individual comedic gems, each one special and brilliant and funny and memorable in it’s own way. Over a ten day period I wrote and rewrote and tweaked and fondled each word and set up and punch line so as to present the powers that be at SNL with a submission so powerful, so perfect, so much in the voice of the show that they would have no choice but to hand the writing reigns for Weekend Update over to me lock, stock and barrel. If ever there were a sure thing, this would be it. Soon my joke writing skills would extend beyond the confining walls of Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays to the high humor heights of Saturday nights!
As I sent off my submission, I was feeling good. I was feeling cocky. I was feeling queasy (damn Mexican food). The new freelance money was already spent. My resume was already updated. I was already wondering if it was time to move on from the show. Life was good.
I didn’t get the job.
It was just one more swift kick to the swollen gonads that are my comedy writing career.
But hey, on the plus side I’m free to post these jokes to my web site for all of my readers to enjoy. So, here they are. Enjoy, all four of you!
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On Monday Los Angeles experienced a 4-hour blackout. Luckily there were no injuries but LA still has no idea how it woke up in bed with San Francisco.
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Democratic members of the House criticized President Bush this week saying that he is “in denial” for defending FEMA director Michael Brown, to which President Bush replied “Heck, I’ve never even been to Egypt.”
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Three chimpanzees were shot and killed after they escaped from a zoo in Nebraska. PETA has lodged a complained saying that it was cruel and unnecessary to make chimps live in Nebraska.
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A federal grand jury in Atlanta indicted a Milwaukee man on charges that he stole at least 92,000 dollars from the Make-A-Wish Foundation. In his defense the man said, “But that was my wish.”
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The death of Supreme Court Chief Justice William Rehnquist means that President Bush now has another opening on the Supreme Court to fill. Aides say he’s committed to considering a diverse range of potential nominees before he picks another conservative white guy.
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Actress Renee Zellweger and country singer Kenny Chesney are seeking an annulment after only five months of marriage. Apparently she decided to seek an annulment once she could finally see what he looked like (show picture of Zellweger with her usual squinty eyes looking closed).
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Guy Ritchie revealed that he and Madonna sometimes sleep in separate rooms, because she can’t stand his snoring and he can’t stand her.
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This week marked the opening of Hong Kong Disneyland, which was celebrated with fireworks, Chinese lion dancers and free samples of steamed Goofy.
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Rap mogul Suge Knight was released from the hospital this week after being shot in the leg at an MTV Video Music awards party. His doctors have advised him to take it easy, get lots of rest and not to attend this year’s Vibe Awards.
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A father and son hijacked a Columbian airliner this week after they apparently became angry when they didn’t get their complimentary in-flight blow.
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In a statement Wednesday about the government’s response in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina President Bush said, “To the extent the federal government didn’t fully do its job right, I take responsibility – NOT!”
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A Queens, New York assistant principal who forced a dozen Haitian students to eat their lunch off the cafeteria floor while calling them “animals” has been demoted. On the plus side, the students said the food tasted better that way.
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NASA scientists say the collision of the Deep Impact spacecraft with comet Tempel 1 last July taught them that comets are just dust balls held together by gravity and that women aren’t interested in guys who study comets.
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Matt Damon and his girlfriend, Luciana Barroso, announced this week that they’ve gotten engaged. Matt has already asked his friend Ben Affleck to be the embarrassingly drunken best man.
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This week actor Bob Denver, best known for his role as Gilligan, died at the age of 70 after a long battle trying to convince people he wasn’t gay.
