How much would you pay for Chelsea Clinton? Before you horn dogs go scouring eBay to see how much Bill and Hillary are asking for her, be aware it’s a private auction. And if you’re lucky enough to bid, you’d better be willing to part with quite a bit of livestock. In case you missed it, some tribal leader in Kenya recently offered to buy her from Bill for 40 goats and 20 cows and was turned down flat. Naturally, this was perfect late night talk show monologue joke material, as evidenced by the joke that I wrote that Dave Letterman told on Thursday’s Late Show (7/28/05):

Former President Clinton was offered 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter Chelsea during a recent trip to Kenya.

President Clinton said no, but he did ask the guy what he’d give him for Hillary.

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 204kb) or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.

Of course, the whole story is odd because we all know how much Bill likes cows.

Moooooooooooo.

Well, the Fourth of July holiday has come and gone and, unlike past years, all of my digits came through it without a scratch. Is there any holiday that is more uniquely American than the Fourth of July? Go ahead, name any other holiday that mixes a deadlier cocktail of ingredients (family, booze, heat, hot dogs, pools and small explosives) and gives them a really strong shaking. If that ain’t a recipe for a trip to the emergency room, I don’t know what is.

It’s also the recipe for a quality late night talk show monologue joke. Dave Letterman told the following joke I wrote on last Friday’s Late Show (7/1/05).

I always love the Fourth of July weekend because it combines two of America’s favorite past times – alcohol and explosives.

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 80kb) or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.

There may be no new Late Shows until July 18, but there sure as heck fire is a new Dancing with the Stars this week. Thank you, Lord!

Hang tight!