Don’t know if you’ve heard, but the word on the street is that Britney Spears is pregnant. Apparently she’s cut back on the drinking binges to once a week and that’s raising some eyebrows. Well, that and the fact that her rear end is now looking a little too much like J. Lo’s. Anyhow, what better way to celebrate the happy event than by writing a joke about it for late night TV? Dave Letterman told the following joke I wrote on Tuesday’s Late Show (3/29/05).

There are rumors now that Britney Spears is pregnant.

If that’s true, you know what it means: she’s lip-syncing for two now.

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 146kb), or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.

Not only that, but her doctor has ordered her to refrain from any drunken, weekend marriages for the next nine months. Keep it coming, Brit!

So you want to be a late night talk show host freelance monologue joke writer? Well, you are certainly shooting for the stars, my friend. Only a few can achieve the lofty goals of making a cool three to four figures per year writing topical jokes for the big boys. But if that is your dream, well, then pay attention because here’s a quick primer in topical joke writing.

Yesterday afternoon I’m on my way to pick up some lunch, trying to think of a punch line to the following set up:

Scientists at MIT have developed an alarm clock that runs away and hides after it goes off.

Now, I wasn’t having much luck here. The story itself sounds funny, sure, but how could I twist it around by relating it to something else even funnier? Let’s see, something about making Americans exercise by chasing this stupid clock around each morning? No. Something about why don’t those MIT geniuses use their brainpower for something more constructive, oh I don’t, constructive? Weak and obvious. Nothing was working.

But then I realized that my brain kept repeating the following words: the clock runs away and hides!

Then, like the red sea parting, my brain cleared and the punch line revealed itself unto me.

It’s based on technology developed by the French military.

Yes, life is good when He chooses to bless you with such material, not to mention a pretty tasty cheeseburger sub not long after.

Oh, yes, and for those wondering, this joke was submitted to a certain late night network talk show but not used. Maybe this isn’t the greatest lesson with which to begin the class.

It’s been a long cold winter here in the northeastern United States. But we’ve now gone six days with no new snow and maybe, just maybe, spring is coming. I’m so desperate for it that when I read it would be 45 degrees and sunny today I decided to go to work pantless. I know, I know, it’s crazy – usually I wait until May to do that.

I’m sure you’re all well aware that old Martha Stewart is back on the streets. Well, not back on the streets so much as “confined” to her at luxurious farm estate. I don’t know about you but, I, for one, feel a little less safe knowing that she’s once again (almost) free. Wouldn’t it be nice if she struck up a cozy relationship with also recently freed Robert Blake, if you catch my drift?

As I always, I’m busy writing monologue jokes for the Late Show with David Letterman. I’ve also recently begun writing monologue jokes for another well known late night talk show. I shouldn’t give details until – and if – they actually use one of my jokes on air, but let’s just say the show is on right after Dave’s on the same network. You do the math. Keep checking back for a more formal announcement.

Stay cool, my honey-bunnies.

Lock your doors and count your kids because Martha Stewart is once again on the streets! That’s right, our favorite ex-con/domestic diva has done her time in the hoosegow and was released late last night. What better way to celebrate, I thought, than to write another joke in her honor? Dave Letterman told the following joke I wrote about Martha’s last days in captivity on last night’s Late Show (3/3/05).

Martha Stewart apparently has a lot of things to work out before she’s released from prison this weekend.

For example, how much do you tip a warden?

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 266kb), or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.

By my count, this makes six Martha Stewart jokes I’ve sold to Dave and there was even one that Jay Leno used way back when it all started. God, I love that woman.