Question:

Why is it that hell is always depicted as being really hot? Last I checked most people tend to like warm weather. That’s why your most popular vacation spots are places like Hawaii and islands in the Caribbean. Last I checked, not too many people escape the summer sun and warmth with a two-week trip to the Arctic Circle.

Hell should really be depicted as a place where it’s always 2 degrees with a nasty 15mph head wind and your driveway (which constantly needs to be shoveled) is about a quarter mile long. I’m not sure where you live, but if you’re in the northeast today, chances are you know exactly what I’m talking about. Standing outside for more than five seconds in that kind of weather is enough to make me consider leading a more sinful life, just so I can be assured that I’ll spend eternity in a warm spot. Standing outside for more than ten seconds in that kind of weather makes want to quickly end my sinful life just so my spinal fluid could finally thaw out.

Maybe it’s just me, but frozen snot and numb gonads are neither fun nor invigorating. On the other hand, spending eternity in a place with year round shorts weather (and a nice pitchfork to horse around with to boot), well, that’s actually kind of enticing right about now. Somebody please remind me again why that’s so bad?

Oh, and I just found out my car needs a new fuel pump AND a new water pump. Constant $1,500 car repairs (with no warranty) should also be part of hell. Add that on.

While you and I were spending the holidays with our loved ones eating and drinking and generally being merry, let’s not forget that some people in this world weren’t so lucky. Like Martha Stewart, for instance. Poor Martha is still in the hoosegow, doing time for lying to the feds. But the good news is she’s keeping her creative skills and fighting reflexes sharp. Perhaps you saw the story in the papers about old Martha losing a Christmas decorating contest in prison? Needless to say, that’s gold plated late night talk show monologue joke material.

Dave Letterman told the following joke I wrote about it on Monday’s Late Show (1/2/05):

Martha Stewart lost a tree-trimming contest in prison.

The good news is later that night in the showers Martha won a knife fight.

Fight the power, Martha!

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 247kb), or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.