Kobe Bryant may no longer be facing criminal charges out in Colorado, but he sure as heck is still fair game for late night talk show hosts. All the money in the world may keep you out of jail, but it won’t keep Dave Letterman from making fun of you, praise the lord. It’s not quite as satisfying as an O.J. joke, but Dave used the following joke I wrote to close out last Friday’s monologue (10/22/04) on the Late Show.

A rare 23-carat ruby is now on display at the Smithsonian Institute.

It’ll be on display through the rest of the year, and then it’s going back to Mrs. Kobe Bryant.

No new Late Shows this week; time to rest up the joke writing muscles before the big election!

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 336kb), or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.

So the Red Sox did the impossible last night and whooped up on the Yankees. So what better way to celebrate than by writing a joke about it? Dave Letterman closed his monologue on last night’s Late Show (Wednesday 10/20/04) with this joke I wrote:

Earlier tonight the Yankees and Red Sox played game seven of their playoff series.

The weather forecast certainly favored the Red Sox. It was breezy with a 60 percent chance of hell freezing over.

Just for the record Sox fans, I actually wrote 75 percent and they revised it downward. Who’s got your back? Old Chumworth, that’s who!

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 240kb), or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.

Like George Bush at an important national security meeting, I seem to have been asleep at the wheel last month and actually missed David Letterman telling one of my jokes. You’ll all recall that former President Bubba Clinton had a little problem with his ticker last month, most likely damaged from years of gorging on pizza and chubby interns. At the time, I wrote a slew of jokes about old Bill’s predicament. Dave told the following joke of mine on the Late Show way back on September 9.

Former President Bill Clinton is recovering from quadruple heart bypass surgery this week.

Doctors say he’s awake but sedated. In fact, he’s on so much medication that earlier today he accidentally hit on Hillary.

And now, for all you aspiring Dave Letterman joke writers, here’s some inside information: Dave likes Bill Clinton jokes.

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 137kb), or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.

So I’m leaving my house to go to work the other morning when I notice a load of carp on my back stoop. That’s right: there was poop on my stoop. Apparently, that big old woodchuck I’ve seen scampering around my house decided to take our little turf war up a notch. See, he was living in this crawl space under our barn for a while, until we sealed it up but good. At fist, he decided to express his displeasure by taking a big wee on our back stoop. When that didn’t inspire us to leave the light on for him at Motel Woodchuck, he apparently decided to go old school on us. Thus, the load of crap. Luckily, while woodchucks may be smart, they’re not well versed in the art of the practical joke, otherwise it would’ve been put in a paper bag and lit on fire.

The point here isn’t that I’ve made an enemy out of an oversized hamster with loose bowels. No, the point is that I already have enough crap in my life to deal with – literally.

First off, I’ve got two young children, one still in diapers. My older daughter is no longer in diapers and (hallelujah) can wipe her own butt. However, that doesn’t stop her from barging into the bathroom while Daddy is in mid shower, dropping a load (with all the accompanying sound effects) as smelly as anything a grown man has ever produced, and then announcing “Whew, it’s stinky in here!” and leaving me to finish my shower in a haze of noxious fumes.

One thing that all kids should be taught at a young age: the courtesy flush.

Anyhow, after the kids, there’s the cats. We have two of them. They both poop, a lot. I’m the designated litter box scrubber. This wouldn’t be so bad if the cats actually pooped in the litter box. One of them does, one of them doesn’t. If there’s anything worse then changing a sloppy, poop-filled diaper on a two year old who had a dinner of peas and blueberries, it’s cleaning up after a diarrhetic cat that eschews pooping in the litter for a nice clean basement floor.

Ok, woodchuck, you may actually win this one. I’m all pooped out.

This morning I decided to wear this yellow shirt that I own. I like this shirt and it is high on my early Fall shirt rotation.

This afternoon in the men’s room I realized that the color of this shirt is almost exactly urine yellow.

I’m not sure what this says about me, but it’s probably not good. I won’t be wearing this shirt for a while.