In a shrewd yet bold attempt to extend my freelance joke writing empire, I was recently in the running for a freelancer gig at Saturday Night Live. They use freelancers to help write material for their Weekend Update segment, so it’d just be more topical joke writing for me, and only one show per week, as opposed to five for David Letterman. The job would not involve any sketch or skit writing (note to self: find out once and for all the difference between a “sketch” and a “skit”).
In order to get the SNL job, I had to submit ten sample jokes on recent events in the news. So, just like when John and Paul would sit down to bang out a new number one tune on command, I sat down (actually, I was already sitting) and cranked out ten bits of comedy gold so mind blowingly funny that I was already feeling somewhat embarrassed for the full time staff writers at SNL. Clearly, once they read the genius that this freelancer – FREEELANCER! – had produced, they would feel belittled and worthless. Boy, did I ever feel bad for those losers.
Anyhow, about nine hours after shooting off my samples, I received a response from the show saying “Thanks but no thanks.” Let this be a lesson to all you would be comedy writers – GIVE IT UP! Stop lying to yourself. Let that dream go, man. Comedy writing is nothing but one deep, steel-toed kick in the groin after another. Find a career that’s actually achievable – like medicine or law or marying Britney Spears.
Needless to say, last night I was bummed. No, I was more than bummed; I was full out assed. Not even back-to-back episodes of Survivor: Vanuatu and The Apprentice 2 could cheer me up much. Believe me, if The Donald canning somebody’s ass doesn’t cheer you up, not much else will.
If you’re interested in seeing sample jokes that won’t get you a freelance writing gig at Saturday Night Live, take a gander below.
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California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a bill this week, which officially bars necrophilia.
Voter reaction has been positive. Today Larry King’s wife said “Thank GOD!”
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Evangelist Jimmy Swaggart apologized this week for saying that he would kill any gay man who looked at him romantically.
Swaggart said he knows now that what he said was wrong; only God is allowed to kill gays.
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Yesterday the judge in the Martha Stewart case ordered her to report to prison by October 8.
Legal experts say that if Martha fails to report on time, she could be found guilty of acting in really poor taste.
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President Bush and John Kerry have agreed on a plan to hold three debates this fall.
Sources say one debate will focus on domestic policy, one debate will focus on foreign policy – and the third debate will focus on something President Bush actually knows about.
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A new report says that Marlon Brando’s ashes were recently spread in Tahiti.
Today the government of Tahiti announced that the ashes would be used as landfill for a new airport.
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In a surprise wedding, this past weekend, Britney Spears married her boyfriend Kevin Federline.
In an even bigger surprise today, they’re still married.
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A new poll finds that nearly 50 percent of women and 24 percent of men avoid sexual situations because they’re uncomfortable with their own bodies.
The rest say they avoid it because they’re uncomfortable with the other person’s body.
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In an interview, the uncle of the boy who accused Michael Jackson of sexual abuse in 1993, says that the boy describes the pop star as “the Devil in God’s clothes!”
In response today, the Devil and God issued a joint statement threatening legal action if the statement wasn’t retracted.
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German scientists announced the results of a three-year study which revealed that large nostrils count more than a big nose when it comes to smelling power.
Today American scientists announced the results of their own study which found that German scientists really need to get a life.
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A protestor dressed as Batman scaled up the front wall of Buckingham Palace on Monday afternoon, reaching a ledge near the balcony where the royal family appears on ceremonial occasions.
Palace officials knew something was amiss when they spotted somebody on the balcony with personality.
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Actualy, now that I’ve had a good night’s sleep, these jokes blow. Lord on high, what was I thinking? I’m embarrassed for myself.
Damn. Nailed in the jewels again.
-Chum [link]
