In a shrewd yet bold attempt to extend my freelance joke writing empire, I was recently in the running for a freelancer gig at Saturday Night Live. They use freelancers to help write material for their Weekend Update segment, so it’d just be more topical joke writing for me, and only one show per week, as opposed to five for David Letterman. The job would not involve any sketch or skit writing (note to self: find out once and for all the difference between a “sketch” and a “skit”).

In order to get the SNL job, I had to submit ten sample jokes on recent events in the news. So, just like when John and Paul would sit down to bang out a new number one tune on command, I sat down (actually, I was already sitting) and cranked out ten bits of comedy gold so mind blowingly funny that I was already feeling somewhat embarrassed for the full time staff writers at SNL. Clearly, once they read the genius that this freelancer – FREEELANCER! – had produced, they would feel belittled and worthless. Boy, did I ever feel bad for those losers.

Anyhow, about nine hours after shooting off my samples, I received a response from the show saying “Thanks but no thanks.” Let this be a lesson to all you would be comedy writers – GIVE IT UP! Stop lying to yourself. Let that dream go, man. Comedy writing is nothing but one deep, steel-toed kick in the groin after another. Find a career that’s actually achievable – like medicine or law or marying Britney Spears.

Needless to say, last night I was bummed. No, I was more than bummed; I was full out assed. Not even back-to-back episodes of Survivor: Vanuatu and The Apprentice 2 could cheer me up much. Believe me, if The Donald canning somebody’s ass doesn’t cheer you up, not much else will.

If you’re interested in seeing sample jokes that won’t get you a freelance writing gig at Saturday Night Live, take a gander below.

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California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a bill this week, which officially bars necrophilia.

Voter reaction has been positive. Today Larry King’s wife said “Thank GOD!”

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Evangelist Jimmy Swaggart apologized this week for saying that he would kill any gay man who looked at him romantically.

Swaggart said he knows now that what he said was wrong; only God is allowed to kill gays.

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Yesterday the judge in the Martha Stewart case ordered her to report to prison by October 8.

Legal experts say that if Martha fails to report on time, she could be found guilty of acting in really poor taste.

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President Bush and John Kerry have agreed on a plan to hold three debates this fall.

Sources say one debate will focus on domestic policy, one debate will focus on foreign policy – and the third debate will focus on something President Bush actually knows about.

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A new report says that Marlon Brando’s ashes were recently spread in Tahiti.

Today the government of Tahiti announced that the ashes would be used as landfill for a new airport.

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In a surprise wedding, this past weekend, Britney Spears married her boyfriend Kevin Federline.

In an even bigger surprise today, they’re still married.

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A new poll finds that nearly 50 percent of women and 24 percent of men avoid sexual situations because they’re uncomfortable with their own bodies.

The rest say they avoid it because they’re uncomfortable with the other person’s body.

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In an interview, the uncle of the boy who accused Michael Jackson of sexual abuse in 1993, says that the boy describes the pop star as “the Devil in God’s clothes!”

In response today, the Devil and God issued a joint statement threatening legal action if the statement wasn’t retracted.

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German scientists announced the results of a three-year study which revealed that large nostrils count more than a big nose when it comes to smelling power.

Today American scientists announced the results of their own study which found that German scientists really need to get a life.

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A protestor dressed as Batman scaled up the front wall of Buckingham Palace on Monday afternoon, reaching a ledge near the balcony where the royal family appears on ceremonial occasions.

Palace officials knew something was amiss when they spotted somebody on the balcony with personality.

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Actualy, now that I’ve had a good night’s sleep, these jokes blow. Lord on high, what was I thinking? I’m embarrassed for myself.

Damn. Nailed in the jewels again.

Britney Spears got married again last weekend. For those counting, that’s twice in nine months. This, of course, begs the question of why it’s OK for a boozed up trollop like Britney to marry and divorce more often than I change the oil in my car, while lots of responsible gay couples still can’t? Food for thought, ain’t it?

Anyhow, the important thing here is that I’ve been able to convert Britney’s wedded bliss into cold hard cash cash cash! Last night on the Late Show (Tuesday 9/21) David Letterman told the following joke I wrote about this:

Congratulations to Britney Spears who got married again this weekend.

Friends say it was a beautiful ceremony, particularly when she lip-sync’d “I do.”

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 187kb), or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.

Watch out J Lo; Britney’s right on your tail!

It’s official now: Martha Stewart is going to jail! Who says we’re losing the war on terror?

That’s right. Any day now the Queen of Mean will report to a Federal Correctional Institute where she’ll be searched, deloused (picture Saddam getting checked for fleas, but with a little less hair) and assigned a standard issue prison uniform made of – Martha, you may want to sit down for this one – non-breathable material. Can anybody say cruel and unusual punishment?

There is some good news for Martha, though. For starters, they don’t make prisoners wear those old horizontally striped uniforms anymore, which could be a tad unflattering to her near Michael Moore like figure. The other good news is that she’s only doing five months, which means she’ll out in time to plant her spring garden. Well, technically, she’ll be out in time to watch some illegal third world gardener plant her spring garden, but you catch her drift.

In other news, Survivor: Vanuatu debuts tonight, followed closely by the second episode of The Apprentice 2. I must say, I feel as giddy as a schoolgirl on prom night.

I’m embarrassed that I just typed that.

Attention fellow drivers! Your days of looking down on me are over! You know who you are, you annoying people in your cars that are bigger than my four door, four cylinder family sedan. That’s right, I’m talking to you in the mongo Ford pick up trucks, you there riding high in the Chevy Suburban, even you soccer moms in your Honda Odyssey minivans with the automatic doors and yes even you, Mr. First Class A No. 1 wanker in the Hummer or the H2. To all you people I say watch out, cause daddy’s about to get a new ride.

Behold, my next vehicle, the Navistar CXT (that’s Commercial eXtreme Truck for those wondering).

That’s right. It’s 21 1/2 feet long and 9 feet high. Oh yes, let there be no doubt, size does matter. No more of me having to stare at the ass of your vehicle for my whole ride home after a long day at work. From now on you’ll be sucking my fumes while I sit high and mighty above you for a change. Eat it.

Oh sure, I may have to take a second, third and even a fourth job to afford the $100,000+ price tag, since I will have to get the optional leather seats and DVD player. I may even have to eBay a child or two to cover the fuel costs for this beast (it gets 6 to 10 miles per gallon of diesel), but, really, isn’t that a small price to pay for a man’s dignity?

Note to you guys and gals in the really big rigs: none of the above applies to you. You still rule the roads. I may be desperate, but I’m not crazy.

So NASA’s Genesis capsule crashed to Earth the other day. If you didn’t hear about this, a few years back they launched this oversized trash barrel into space so that it could capture solar particles and return them to Earth. Apparently, the nerds at MIT and other such places were hot to get a gander at these tiny particles that the sun spews out so they can learn all about, uh, well, what these tiny particles that the sun spews out are made of, I guess.

Anyhow, so this flying bucket of bolts seemed to have successfully scooped up some of this intergalactic eye crud and was due to return to Earth this week. See, the plan was this tricked out beer keg would reenter our atmosphere, deploy a parachute and then – and this really is the best part – a stunt pilot in a helicopter would snag this thing – now mind you, this “capsule” is about as big a VW Beetle – with a big hook and bring it back to Earth where all these NASA Einsteins would cream themselves over a few grains of solar grit.

Good plan, right? Sure, so long as the parachute deploys! So what happened? Yep. The chute malfunctioned. Well, not to worry, right? Those NASA fellows are pretty smart and generally careful. SURELY they built this capsule to be pretty sturdy just in case, in the really unlikely event, that something like – really, heaven forbid – the parachute doesn’t open.

Uh, yeah, well, see here’s the thing. They didn’t.

Is this really the same group of brainiacs that put men on the moon?

The capsule went zooming past the helicopters like a Randy Johnson fastball and crashed smack dab into the desert of Utah like it was being piloted by Billy Joel. Now our best and brightest are pathetically sweeping up the bits from the desert floor and praying they can recover some of their beloved solar particles. Hell, it should be no problem picking the solar particles out from the desert sand, right?

And we make fun of the Russian space program?

We’ve all watched them grow from little acorns into the mighty (partying) oaks. But now the Bush twins are of legal age meaning they’re now fair game for us joke writers. Last night I scored my first joke about W’s pride and joys on the Late Show. It was the closing joke in Dave’s monologue on Tuesday night (8/31).

It’s pretty wild here in New York right now with the convention.

So far this week we’ve had naked people in the streets, all night parties, people getting arrested – and that’s just the Bush twins.

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 206kb), or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.

Is there any way to get the Republicans and Democrats to hold these big conventions more often than every four years? For late night talk show monologue joke writers, these things are gold, baby, pure gold!