Three words, baby: D N C!

Who says the Democratic National Convention is boring?! Certainly not any late night talk show monologue joke writers! What more could you ask for – Al Gore, Bill and Hillary Clinton, Howard Dean, Ted Kennedy. Sweet lord my heart is racing just typing those names.

Anyhow, I was able to parlay this week’s exercise in wastefulness here in Boston into a joke that David Letterman told on the Late Show this past Wednesday night (7/28).

Ted Kennedy spoke at the Democratic National Convention last night.

Ted looked great. They say he’s lost so much weight he had to borrow a pants suit from Hillary.

Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 124kb), or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.

Lord, why do all good things like this have to come to an end? I guess so other good things can now start, like Amish in the City. Thanks, big guy in the sky!

For those of you living under a very large and soundproof rock, old friend Martha Stewart was finally sentenced last week for lying to the feds about that little “personal matter” (her words) whereby she cashed in some stock based on insider information and made a tidy profit at the expense of poor shlubs like you and me. The judge gave her five months in prison and five months of home confinement, because really, nothing says “justice served” like being waited on hand and foot in your Connecticut mansion for five straight months without a break.

Anyhow, other old friend Dave Letterman used not one but TWO of my jokes on this subject on this past Monday’s Late Show (7/19/04). Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 232kb), or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.

Martha says she wants this whole ordeal to be over with as soon as possible. I say, speak for yourself, sister!

Apparently the Greeks have decided to kick it old school for the upcoming summer games in Athens. Either that or the souvlaki has turned in the summer heat and they’ve all gone loopy. In case you missed it, they apparently have an issue with too many stray dogs wandering around, so they’re trying to eliminate the problem before the games begin. How are they doing this? Why, the obvious way, of course – by laying out poison all over the place! How else would you do it? Come on people!

Anyway, I wrote a joke about this that David Letterman told on the Late Show this past Wednesday (7/14/04). Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 269kb), or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.

On a related note, I’ve been nominated for an Emmy award!

OK, well, if you want to be technical about it I myself wasn’t SPECIFICALLY nominated, but the Late Show writing staff was nominated for Outstanding Writing for a Variety, Music, or Comedy Program this week. I guess you actually have to be a STAFF WRITER to be listed as a nominee (bogus!). Clearly, though, they wouldn’t have gotten the nod if it weren’t for my legendary commuting rats joke of 2003.

Good lord, that last paragraph is the most pathetic plea for attention I’ve ever seen, let alone written. Sorry!

Finally, on a completely unrelated matter, it wasn’t a completely banner week; Mrs. Chumworth and I were fired by our babysitter! Oh, I think you heard me, all right. Fired, axed, canned, given the heave-ho! For legal and diplomatic reasons I can’t go into detail here. Suffice it to say we’re in the market for a new one. Life, ain’t it – strange?

Old Uncle Chum is back from a week of fun and sun with the family in lovely Maine, U.S. of A., better known as the Avis of potato producing states. Needless to say, we had a grand time. The highlights for yours truly were taking a dip in those chilly north Atlantic waters (effectively ending for good my child producing days) or taking in some whale watching, which didn’t even require us to leave the beach. Anybody who’s worried about whales becoming extinct any time soon need only take a gander at the hordes of behemoths that gather on America’s beaches each summer. By the way, apologies to anybody who was in the area at the time and was temporarily blinded by the glare from pasty white body frolicking in the water.

Our two little girls had a great time too. Thanks to the wonders of modern sunblock technology, they were able to enjoy the traditional beach fun (i.e. avoiding the second hand smoke, getting sand in their eyes, alerting the authorities to rogue hypodermic needles, etc.) like everybody else without fear of getting sunburned. We were careful to coat them in sunblock with an SPF of 60. For those who don’t know, SPF 60 means we could pretty much vacation in a blast furnace or on the surface of the sun and still come home whiter than when we left.

During vacation I also spent a lot of time soul searching and identified a new goal in my life: to watch as much Spongebob Squarepants as possible! What a great show this is! If you haven’t seen it, check it out soon. Finally, I’ve found something to help me pass the awful, lonely time until The Donald returns with “The Apprentice 2.”

Keep it real, or at least fake it really well.