Happy Memorial Day weekend!

I don’t know about you, but I love being sick. Head colds, stomach flus, sore throats – I love it all. Frankly, I can’t get enough of it. That’s why I decided to have children. If you don’t have kids and you’re like me and you enjoy being up all night from September through May hacking your spleen up, I encourage you to mate up and reproduce. Those little rug rats are not only cute, they’re walking germ factories!

Forget weapons of mass destruction. If al Qaeda wants to bring this country to its knees, they should just come over here and smuggle a three year old into everybody’s house. The economy will come to a grinding halt in no time as the little snot infested petrie dishes sneeze, cough and slobber all over everybody and everything.

Before I had kids, I hadn’t taken anything more potent than an aspirin in years. Now, I can’t hardly get through the day without ingesting antibiotics, cough syrup, cold medicine or some other such vile substance. Sinus infections, pink eye, diarrhea – I’m telling you kids truly are gifts from the angels!

Oh yeah, and, as an added bonus, the little buggers will also occasionally spill that beverage you so intelligently placed next to your computer all over your keyboard, thereby making it inoperable. Ever try to surf the web without a keyboard?

For those who didn’t hear, President Bush got an ouchie over the weekend when he took a spill while riding his bike.

(insert your own punch line here)

I wrote a punch line for this joke which, which Dave Letterman used on last night’s Late Show (5/24/04). Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 294kb), or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.

Oh yes, and I also posted a new Chumworth comic strip last night. Check it out here.

Well, both The Apprentice and Survivor: All Stars are now over. I don’t know about you but frankly, Ii’m having a hard time getting over these losses. Parting is such sweet sorrow! Why why why does God give us such wonderful things as reality tv and them cruellt yank them away from us just 13 short weeks later?!

Luckily, I do have a number of things to keep my mind off of my troubles, like going to work, mowing the lawn and cleaning up after a barfing cat that seems to no longer want to poop in her litter box. Thank God for the little things!

Oh, almost forgot: Mrs. Chumworth and I have new gutters on our house! That’s right. New gutters, baby. Jealous much?

Stop me if you’ve heard this before, but Jennifer Lopez is getting married again. That’s right. And what better way to celebrate her impending nuptials than by making fun of her of proclivity for getting engaged?

Dave Letterman told a joke I wrote about the Big Butted One on last night’s Late Show (5/13/04). Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 161kb), or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.

By the way, if you’re thinking of getting her a wedding gift here’s a tip: she doesn’t need any more gravy boats.

It looks like we’re right smack in the middle of spring allergy season. In its honor, I’ve posted a new Chumworth comic strip. Check it out here.

If you like it, keep checking back, as I’m planning on increasing the rate of production once again. Who needs to sleep when you could spend time working on something that pays nothing and which nobody sees? Life is short!

For those counting. this makes two new strips in (just under) ONE MONTH. Damn, I’m on fire.

Don’t know if you heard, but the Bushie twins are about to graduate from college. That’s right; Jenna and Barbara Bush are finally ready to fly the coop and make their ways in the real world as full blown, adult alcoholics. You go girls!

Anyhow, where do you suppose old George W. is planning to be when his daughters are stealing nips from under their graduation robes? Where he always is when his services are needed, silly: somewhere else. Dave Letterman closed out his monologue on last Friday’s Late Show (5/7/04) with a joke I wrote about it. Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 167kb), or check it out on my Late Night Joke page.

Hey, how about that “Survivor: All Stars” finale last night? Boston Rob and his girlfriend Amber not only went to head to head for the million dollar prize but they also got engaged on live TV! What happened was, Rob proposed to her, she accepted and then she got the $1 million. It’s the same thing that happened when Donald Trump got engaged.

Hmmm…

I’m not sure if my eyes can’t stop watering because of these annoying spring allergies or because “Friends” is finally off the air. Actually, i’m pretty sure it’s because of “Friends” being over – that’s right, I’m not afraid to admit it: I’m tearing up over “Friends” – tears of joy! Good riddance to a show that long ago threw in the towel. What a shocking way to end the show – Ross and Rachel get together one last time! Good lord, could we have put any less effort into that one?

Anyhow, I bought a new pair of walking around sneakers for the summer. It’s the first new pair I’ve bought in quite some time. They’re white leather and, if I may say, they’re quite slimming. However, if you haven’t noticed, new white sneakers seem to bring out the worst in most people. I’m not sure what it is, but they seem to make people angry. You people need to calm down.

As you may have heard old friend George Bush was on Arabic television yesterday. Why? Why else – to raise some coin for Bush-Cheney in 2004! The man is tireless. Or is it clueless?

Anyhow, I wrote a joke about thise and fired it off to the good folks at the Late Show, which they in turn used on the air last night (Wednesday 5/5/04). Click here to hear it live (format: MP3, size: 147kb), or boggie on over to my Late Night Joke page.

On a lighter note, I recently bought a new pair of sneakers! Tell your friends!