Arnold Schwarzenegger says he will not make movies while he is governor.

Well, at least there's one good thing coming out of this election.

Arnold says he hasn't decided yet whether he'll move to Sacramento.

Arnold says he'd prefer to remain in Los Angeles close to his scriptwriters – er, speechwriters.

Cell phone maker Nokia says that faulty batteries are to blame for recent incidents where their phones have exploded.

On the plus side, we now have a solution to all those annoying people talking on their cell phones in restaurants.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has been elected governor of California.

Finally, California will have a hands-on governor.

There was a huge turnout for the recall election yesterday.

This just proves that people will turn out for anything that involves a porn star

A bar in Germany is now offering day care for men where, for $11.80, women can drop their husbands off and they'll have games, food and beer.

The bad news for the men is that they have to behave themselves or they'll be punished. The good news is that they have to behave themselves or they'll be punished.

Los Angeles Lakers coach Phil Jackson said that he is considering asking Michael Jordan to come out of retirement if Kobe Bryant is unable to play because of his rape trial.

This makes sense. Jordan can fill in for Kobe both on the court and in the womanizing department.

Today was the big recall election here in California.

It's the day when Californian's got to choose between a movie star and a porn star for governor – or, as we call them, the Terminator and the Sperminator.

A new report says that Kobe Bryant was considering divorce months before he was charged with rape.

Good thing he decided against it and saved his family all that pain and embarrassment.

The U.S. government is rolling out the new $20 bill this week, and has planned a $30 million advertising campaign to educate people about it.

That's a good idea; with this economy, most people don't remember what an old $20 bill looks like.

The General Accounting Office is reporting that the Defense Department sold equipment to the public that can be used for making biological warfare agents.

Great, now we have to invade ourselves.

Today was the last day before the big recall election here in California tomorrow.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was busy kissing a lot of babies – and groping their mothers.

Gray Davis won't have to worry about getting out the vote tomorrow – since all the illegal aliens can drive themselves to the polls.

A rock band in Florida has postponed a concert at which they claimed a person would commit suicide.

So, they've postponed this horrible event that was to take place in front of lots of people – kind of like the Ben Afleck- Jennifer Lopez wedding.

Former Vice President Al Gore is buying his own cable channel.

His channel will be a lot like C-SPAN, but without the excitement.

Arnold Schwarzenegger apologized after he was accused of sexual misconduct by several women saying, “where there is smoke, there's fire.”

Or, as Bill Clinton always says, “where there's smoke, there's a cigar.”

Courtney Love was hospitalized on Friday for a possible drug overdose.

Turns out she was partying with Rush Lmbaugh.

Rush Limbaugh has resigned as a football commentator on ESPN after he said that Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb is overrated because he's black.

Limbaugh said he didn't really mean what he said; it was just the painkillers talking.

Several women who met Arnold Schwarzenegger on movie sets over the years have accused him of groping them and making unwanted sexual advances.

He may not be qualified to be governor, but it sounds like he's qualified to be president.

A new study by the Education Department finds that the average student has less than an hour of homework a night.

Apparently teachers figure, if you don't need to do homework to be president, what's the point?

Actress Halle Berry has separated from her husband of three years, singer Eric Benet.

Jennifer Lopez was one of the first people to call Berry when the news broke – so she could find out her secrets to a long marriage.

Arianna Huffinton has pulled out of the California gubernatorial recall election.

Great. Just what California needs – another unemployed alien.

Madonna is being sued for copyright infringement for imitating previously published photographs for her latest video.

The man suing her says he'd be willing to drop the case for a reasonable cash settlement – and an open-mouthed kiss.

A young girl in Romania who was forced into an arranged marriage stormed out of the church during the service and said she did not consider herself to be married.

No, wait, I'm sorry, that was Jennifer Lopez.