A new survey finds that 60 percent of middle-aged unmarried women and 45 percent of middle-aged unmarried men said they hadn't had any in the past six months.

I'm sorry, did I say unmarried – I meant married.

The city council in St. Petersburg, Florida passed a law making it illegal commit suicide on stage, after a rock band announced a terminally ill person would commit suicide during a concert.

In Florida they believe people should die naturally – like during the early bird special at Red Lobster.

A new poll in California shows over 60 percent of probable voters would vote to recall Gray Davis.

Davis is getting desperate now. He's offering queer makeovers to all illegal immigrants.

The Consumer Product Safety Commission has announced the recall of all Segway Human Transporters.

Apparently, they have a tendency to become quite unstable when President Bush is on one.

A new Al Qaeda audiotape has surfaced, this one by Osama bin Laden deputy Ayman al-Zawahri.

Apparently, Osama took the weekend off for the Jewish New Year.

The Dr. Seuss book “Green Eggs and Ham” is being published in Latin.

That means it's now published in two languages George Bush can't read.

Carlos Delgado of the Toronto Blue Jays hit four home runs in last night's win over the Tampa Bay Devil rays, after taking cold medicine and a nap before the game.

That's the same routine the Detroit Tigers have been using – except they nap during the game.

Madonna's new book “The English Roses” is No. 1 on the New York Time's children's list.

That makes one more Madonna release that adults will ignore.

Starbucks is planning to open its first store in France next year.

Great. Like things aren't already tense enough between our countries.

The National Cattlemen's Beef Association has developed a new appetizer made of deep fried ground beef, cheese and bread called cheeseburger fries.

Or, as Bill Clinton calls it, an aphrodisiac.

President Bush met with German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder yesterday and they were able to agree to work together on Iraq.

In order to get their help, Bush had to make some concessions to the Germans – like giving them Poland.

A new study has found that women who exercised in front of a mirror felt worse than women who exercised without them.

So, if you want to fell better about yourself at the gym, go to a place without any mirrors. And if you don't want to go to the gym, don't have any mirrors in your house.

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez were in a courthouse in Georgia on Monday to apply for a gun permit.

They each want to get a gun in case the other ever suggests making “Gigli 2″.

Running back Maurice Clarett, who's been suspended from playing by Ohio State University, is suing the NFL for the right to enter the draft next year.

Clarett says there's room to negotiate. For example, if he can't play for a pro team next year, he'd settle for playing for the Bengals.

Fox's interview with President Bush was the lowest rated show during its time slot Monday night.

I guess this proves that situation comedies really are dead.

Ben Affleck and Jennfier Lopez were spotted at a courthouse in Savannh, Georgia on Monday.

It turns out this was a previously scheduled trip to file for divorce – then they realized they hadn't actually gotten married yet.

A new survey finds that half of Americans plan to work well into their 70s and 80s.

That's perfect because most young people today will be that old before they can find jobs again.

A new book of Ronald Reagan's letters was just published.

Someday, they're going to publish a book of President Bush's letters – to Santa Claus.

“The West Wing” won the Emmy last night for best drama series on television.

It just beat out the Bush Administration's production of the Iraq war.

Miss Florida Ericka Dunlap was crowned Miss America Saturday night.

People in California are so upset they're trying to recall Miss California.

They say this was one of the smartest groups of contestants in years. For example, for the talent portion of the show, Miss Florida voted successfully.

A Swiss bodybuilder has been arrested for offering to kill the woman who has accused Kobe Bryant of sexual assault.

This guys should've just stuck to what foreign bobybuilders do best – run for Governor of California.

In a recent interview, Ted Kennedy said that the Iraq war was “made up in Texas”.

That's silly. Obviously, the war was made up in Donald Rumsfeld's office.

McDonald has developed a Happy Meal for adults to encourage them to eat right and exercise.

Instead of a toy, the meal comes with an exercise booklet, a pedometer – and a lifetime ban from McDonalds.

President Bush now says there was no evidence that Saddam Hussein was involved in the September 11 attacks.

Apparently, the CIA just ran out of material.

AOL Time Warner has decided to remove the letters “AOL” from the company's name, acknowledging the failure of one of the largest mergers in U.S. history.

The only bigger failed merger in U.S. history was the Ben Affleck-Jennifer Lopez marriage.

The Los Angeles City Council has banned lap dancing in strip clubs.

I guess this means we've seen the last of Bill Clinton campaigning in Los Angeles for Gray Davis.

Gen. Wesley Clark, the former supreme commander of NATO, has announced he's running for president.

His experience with NATO could be a real advantage over George Bush – not only that he used to run it, but that he can also spell it.

Another audiotape from Saddam Hussein has surfaced.

U.S. officials say they know it was made recently because he mentions the Ben and J Lo split.

Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore has offered his Ten Commandments monument to Congress for display in the U.S. Capitol.

Congress has not yet responded to the offer, since they first need somebody to explain to them what the Ten Commandments are.

A federal appeals court has blocked the California gubernatorial recall election, saying the use of outdated punch-card ballot machines could confuse some voters.

That and the fact that they're not in Spanish.

Yoko Ono performed a stunt in Paris on Monday where she sat motionless on stage and let audience members cut away pieces of her dress until she was wearing nothing but her underwear.

All I can say is, the French get what they deserve.

Forget Al Qaeda and the economy – how about government do something about this?

Mike Tyson was a guest at Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch over the weekend.

Finally, a couple crazier than Ben and J Lo.

A federal appeals court has blocked the California gubernatorial recall election, saying the use of outdated punch-card ballot machines could confuse some voters.

Namely, anybody originally from Florida.

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez have split up.

The split is almost complete; all that's left to decide is who gets custody of her ass.

Playboy.com announced it is searching for the sexiest women at Wal-Mart stores.

They're having trouble finding them, behind all the usual women at Wal-Mart.

Madonna has published her first children's book “The English Rose.”

She's going on an extended publicity tour to promote the book. It involves a giving a lot of interviews – and open-mouthed kisses.

California gubernatorial candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger will appear on “Oprah” on Monday.

Well, at least he's not avoiding the hard-hitting interviews.

Finally, Oprah will interview somebody whose put on and lost more weight than she has.

Tommy Chong, of the dope-smoking comedy team Cheech & Chong, was sentenced to nine months in prison for selling drug paraphernalia over the Internet.

There's some good detective work. What tipped them off? Was it “Cheech & Chong Up in Smoke” or “Cheech & Chong Still Smokin'”?

In order to celebrate the launch of her new children's book, Madonna will be hosting an English tea party this weekend.

She'll be serving lots of tea and crumpets – and open-mouthed kisses.

President Bill Clinton will be in California to campaign for Gray Davis on Sunday at an African-American church.

Clinton only agreed after he was assured he wouldn't have to make a confession.

Another audio tape from Osama bin Laden has turned up.

Officials are pretty sure it was made a few months ago because bin Laden says he's really looking forward to seeing “Gigli.”

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez have delayed their wedding this weekend due to intense media attention.

Don't worry if you already bought a gift – just save it for her next wedding.

The airlines are going to begin assigning passengers color-codes next year to indicate their threat level.

Naturally, all French passengers will automatically be coded “yellow”.

“The Exorcist” was voted the most terrifying movie of all time in a recent poll in the UK.

Obviously, this poll was taken before “Gigli” opened in the UK.

Leni Riefenstahl, who made numerous propaganda films for Adolph Hitler, died this week.

A lot of people despised her but, to be fair, it wasn't like she made “Gigli” or anything.

The nine Democratic presidential candidates held another debate last night on the Fox News Channel.

It was part of a new Fox reality series called “Joe Schmoes.”

California Gray Davis signed a bill last week allowing illegal aliens to get driver's licenses.

This is all part of his strategy to avoid being recalled – make the traffic even worse so nobody can get to the polls.

A new poll in California shows that Cruz Bustamante holds a slight lead over Arnold Schwarzenegger in the recall election

This isn't surprising. Bustamante's got a better command of California's native language – Spanish.

U.S. officials are saying that they've narrowed Osama bin Laden's location down to a 40-square-mile section of Pakistan.

The government is pretty sure about his location. It's based on some brand new intelligence the CIA just made up.

The Federal Reserve will begin distributing new, peach-colored $20 bills next month.

Apparently they hired those five queer guys to come up with a new design.

California Gov. Gray Davis said this weekend that you shouldn't be governor unless you can pronounce the name of the state.

Why not? It's not a requirement to be president.

The National Football League says they are considering expanding the regular season from 16 to 18 games.

Detroit Lions fans immediately announced they're filing a class action lawsuit.

President Bush says he'll spend whatever is necessary to win the war on terror.

What do you expect? The man used to own a major league baseball team.

The nine Democratic presidential candidates will be participating in a debate on Tuesday night.

This should be the most pathetic showing by nine people since the Detroit Tigers last game.

Democratic presidential candidates held a debate last night that was televised on PBS.

I don't want to say it wasn't a lively debate, but even PBS said it was boring.

The debate will be repeated on the Spanish-language network Univision on Saturday.

I believe Univision is advertising it as “El Debato de Losers.”

A small earthquake hit the San Francisco Bay area Thursday evening.

Officials said the quake was similar in magnitude to when Anna Nicole Smith goes jogging.

It only resulted in a few broken eggs – on Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Actor Johnny Depp now says that the quote attributed to him calling the United States a “dumb puppy” was taken out of context.

What he was really saying was the George Bush is treating the United States like a puppy.

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are reportedly getting married on September 14.

They've got a plan to keep the crowds away – they'll be showing “Gigli” outside the church.

Jeffrey Parson, the 18-year-old high school student charged with releasing an Internet worm, says that the media portrayal of him as a computer geek is wrong. He says that he isn't a loner and that he doesn't do drugs or smoke.

I know one other thing he doesn't do – date.

In an effort to reduce costs, the U.S. Postal Service is going to reduce the hours at some of its post offices.

This is bad news for the country – all those disgruntled postal workers on the street.

Sen. John Kerry of Massachusetts on Tuesday formally announced his candidacy for the Democratic nomination for president.

You know he's married to Theresa Heinz, the ketchup heiress. She got him a good deal on the Oscar Meyer Wiener Mobile for his campaign.

At a press conference on Monday to promote a stunt where he will be suspended in a plastic box over the River Thames in London for 44 days and will consume only water, magician David Blaine pretended to lop off part of his ear in front of reporters.

I can't figure out why the rest of the world thinks Americans are crazy.

Osama bin Laden is hosting a terrorist convention in Afghanistan.

You know who I feel bad for – the valet parking guys at that hotel.

President Bush says that he is creating a high-level government position to focus on the needs of manufacturers.

Isn't Dick Cheney already doing that?

Another Saddam Hussein audiotape has surfaced, in which he denies any involvement in the suicide bombing last week outside a Shiite Muslim shrine.

He also denied responsibility for another big summer bomb – “Gigli.”

Republicans in Nevada have begun to gather signatures for a petition to recall Gov. Kenny Guinn.

Good thing there aren't any washed up entertainers or smut peddlers in Nevada or that election could be a real circus.